How to Support Someone Doing a Difficult Thing
Whether it’s a conference talk or a hard moment at work, support matters most when it is offered with care, timing, and restraint.
Editorial Note
This essay is part of the Cultivated canon — a body of work exploring leadership as care, presence, and judgment. It reflects a simple belief: that how we support people matters just as much as whether we intend to help.
How to Support Someone Doing a Difficult Thing
Speaking at a conference can be daunting.
Even after many years of doing it, I still feel nerves before stepping on stage. Sometimes I wonder why I keep putting myself through it. That feeling never really disappears — and perhaps it shouldn’t. Nerves are often a sign that you care.
What I’ve learned, both as a speaker and as someone supporting others, is that help is not always helpful.
At least, not when it is imposed, or inflicted.
When people are about to do something difficult — whether it’s a conference talk, a presentation, a hard conversation, or a moment of visibility — they are often already carrying enough pressure. Adding unsolicited advice or last-minute “help” can make things worse, not better.
The first principle is simple: offer support, don’t inflict it.
Asking someone whether they would like help respects their autonomy. Some people welcome guidance. Others prefer to rely on their own preparation. Both responses are valid. Leadership begins with recognising the difference.
Support, when welcomed, is rarely about technique.
Before a talk, what most people need is steadiness. A reminder to pause. A calm presence. Someone who takes care of small practical details so their attention can stay where it needs to be. Encouragement without expectation.
Just as important is knowing when to step back.
In the final minutes before a demanding moment, many people need space. Quiet. Focus. Time to breathe and gather themselves. Good support recognises this and does not crowd it out with noise or reassurance.
During the moment itself, presence matters more than intervention.
Sitting somewhere visible. Offering calm, positive signals. Being a familiar face in the room. This is not about performance management — it is about helping someone feel less alone while they do something exposed.
And afterwards, kindness comes first.
The immediate aftermath of a difficult task is not the moment for critique or optimisation. It is a moment for recognition. For asking how it felt. For letting the person settle back into themselves.
Feedback, if it is to be given at all, should be invited — and offered with care. Not everyone is ready to hear it immediately. Not every opinion is helpful. Experience and judgment matter here.
Although this essay uses speaking at conferences as an example, the principle is broader.
Leaders are constantly around people doing difficult things. Presenting ideas. Making decisions. Stepping into new roles. Taking risks. The way we show up in those moments shapes trust more than any process or framework.
Good leaders know when to step in.
Better leaders know when to step back.
Support is not about being useful.
It is about being present, respectful, and human — at exactly the right moment.
And often, that is more than enough.
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Editor’s note: This essay grows from an earlier exploration in another medium. The thinking remains central, even as the format has changed.
This piece forms part of Cultivated’s wider body of work on how ideas become valuable, and how better work is built.
To explore further:
→ Library — a curated collection of long-form essays
→ Ideas — developing thoughts and shorter writing
→ Learn — practical guides and tools from across the work
→ Work with us — thoughtful partnership for teams and organisations
